


Awake

by MoonlightBreeze



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland Friendship, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood Has Feelings, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mentions of Suicide Attempt, Parabatai Feels, Post-Episode: s02e08 Love is a Devil, References to Depression, let's be real a talk needed to happen, mentions of self harm, no beta we die like men, so this is that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:01:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23782039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: After the events of 2x08, Alec and Jace have a talk about what happened and why. Companion fic to Alive.Trigger warning for mentions of a suicide attempt, mentions of self harm in the form of training, and descriptions of depression. Hopeful/happy ending.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 14
Kudos: 171
Collections: Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020





	Awake

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! So I know it's super late, but here is the sequel/companion fic to Alive! (It's not necessary for you to read Alive in order to understand this fic.) This details a talk between Alec and Jace after Alec's suicide attempt in 2x08. I don't think it's my best writing, but I tried. 
> 
> Trigger warning for mentions of a suicide attempt, mentions of canon-typical self harm, and descriptions of depression. Please stay safe <3 I hope you like this! Kudos make my day, and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> Here is the link to Alive if you want to read that first: [Alive or the one where Alec and Magnus talk](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22262065)
> 
> ~ Em

“Hey, Alec, do you have a minute? We really need to talk.”

Alec sighed loudly enough for Jace to hear over the phone. Exhaustion filtered through their bond and Jace felt slightly bad for bringing this up when his brother was clearly tired from the trying day they’d had. Despite this, however, Alec’s loyalty to his parabatai was, as always, unwavering. 

“Sure, Jace. What’s this about?”

“I think you know.”

Another sigh. “Look, if this is about what happened on the balcony, then I - ”

“Alec, I swear on the Angel, if you say it was just the magic, I am going to personally kick your ass.”

Alec chuckled. “Thanks for that. It was, though. It really was just the magic. Nothing more.”

Jace, however, had known Alec long enough to know when his parabatai was lying, or even just leaving something out. “Alec, I know that’s not the whole truth. I want to know what really put you up there on that balcony tonight. I want to know what I can do to make sure it never happens again.”

“It _won’t_ , Jace. You can’t hold me accountable for my actions when I was under the influence of powerful warlock magic.”

“I can, actually,” Jace countered. “And I am. Because I know you. And I know that there is more to it than what you’re saying right now.”

Jace hopped out of bed, phone still pressed to his ear, and began to wander towards the direction of his parabatai’s bedroom. When he reached it, however, he was surprised to see that it was empty.

“Alec, where are you? I’m standing in your room and you’re not here.”

“I’m on the roof.”

Despite the fact that he knew Alec wouldn’t, not now, not while he was on the phone with Jace, if _ever_ , Jace couldn’t shake the feeling of icy cold dread that crept up his spine. Images of Alec on the balcony just a few hours earlier filled his brain, and he was suddenly taking the steps to the roof two at a time in a frantic effort to get to Alec. When he finally did, he was relieved to see the other boy sitting with his knees drawn up to his chest against the wall, rather than anywhere near the edge of the roof. 

Jace sat down next to Alec slowly and scooted closer until their shoulders were touching. The bond radiated pain from Alec’s end now and Jace, desperate to provide some comfort for his hurting parabatai, gripped the nape of Alec’s neck and brought their foreheads together. Then, his hands found their way to Alec’s parabatai rune. Alec did the same with Jace’s rune. These two things were simple, old traditions that the first ever parabatai had done to give comfort to each other. 

Alec took a deep, shaky breath and closed his eyes for a minute or two. When he opened them, he moved away from Jace and returned to staring out at the night sky above them. It was peppered with blinking silver stars. 

“Alec, I know you’ve struggled,” Jace ventured carefully. “When we were younger, you used to train...you would go in the training room at night and not stop until your hands were bleeding or you passed out from exhaustion. I thought it’d get better as we got older, but…” He trailed off.

“But it didn’t,” Alec finished for him. “Yeah, I know. It’s not your fault, Jace.”

“I know that,” Jace replied, but it was weak and they both knew it.

“Do you?” Alec turned to face him. “You sure seem to blame yourself for it sometimes.”

“I guess I just thought I should be doing more,” Jace admitted. “Helping you more.”

Alec shook his head. “You did what you could. I didn’t exactly make it easy for you, or anyone, to help me.”

Jace snorted derisively. “You got that right.”

A small smile creeped onto Alec’s face. “You always tried, though, and that’s what matters.”

Jace sighed. “Look where that got us.”

“Jace, what happened on the balcony - ”

“Don’t say it, Alec. Don’t even try. You and I both know it wasn’t Iris’s magic that put you up there.”

Alec grimaced. “There might have been other factors at play,” he admitted. “But I swear on the Angel, Jace, I would _never_ do that to you and Iz.”

“Or Magnus,” Jace pointed out.

A soft smile turned the corners of Alec’s mouth up. “Or Magnus.”

“Has he been...you know...helping you with that?”

Alec shrugged. “Not consciously. We’ve never really talked about it except for the night after the demon attack. I ended up at his loft after I ran away from the Institute, and he...helped.”

“That’s good.” Jace tried to keep his tone calm, but secretly he was thrilled at the idea of Alec finally opening up to someone instead of bottling his feelings inside of himself until they exploded. Explosions like that usually ended up with Alec in the training room after hours, and those nights were _not_ good. 

“He understands,” Alec spoke suddenly. “Magnus, I mean. We had a talk about the balcony, too, and he told me he’d been there himself.” He hesitated, chewing on his lip. Jace waited for him to talk, sensing there was more to the story. “He said to let him know if it ever got too bad.”

Jace’s throat closed up with emotion, and he looked away, shaking his blonde hair over his eyes to hide the tears that had gathered there. He had to take a few deep breaths before he trusted himself enough to speak. 

“Please do, Alec.” Jace sighed and rested his head on Alec’s shoulder. “If you won’t talk to me, it would make me feel a lot better to know you’re talking to _somebody_.”

Alec nodded, not sure what to say. Jace could see the crease in his brow, the way his frown deepened. He was deep in thought about something, though Jace couldn’t hazard a guess as to what. 

Eventually, Alec spoke.

“I don’t - I mean, I wouldn’t - ” He huffed at his inability to put his thoughts into words. “I can’t promise anything.”

“I know,” Jace assured him. “I’m not asking you to.” He lifted his head from his parabatai’s shoulder to find Alec’s troubled ice-blue eyes. “You - I mean, you’ve spent years like this. This is - this is something you’re used to.” He swallowed hard. “You’ve been hurting yourself for a really long time.” His voice broke and he cursed himself under his breath. “I’m not expecting you to just stop.”

“Thank you,” Alec said. “Izzy is - she just doesn’t understand. She wants me to feel better, but she doesn’t...get it. Not like you do.”

“Well, having a soul-bond helps,” Jace joked, bumping his shoulder against Alec’s playfully. 

Alec chuckled, but it was light and forced. Jace waited. When Alec had something to say, he would say it, but he had to be given enough time to collect his thoughts and carefully edit what was about to come out of his mouth. It was one of the only things Jace hated about his parabatai. He wasn’t exactly a patient person by nature. 

“You know...I mean, you don’t know…” Alec trailed off, making a noise of frustration and raking one of his hands through his hair. “What this feels like - it’s not easy, Jace. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with. Not even the idea of marrying Lydia felt worse than this.”

“Killing Jocelyn? I know, that has to be rough,” Jace replied.

“No! I mean, yes, but that’s not what I was talking about.”

“Oh. What were you talking about, then?”

“Jace, do you know what depression is?” Alec was biting his lip, avoiding his parabatai’s eyes. 

Jace nodded slowly. “Yeah, of course. I’ve heard mundanes talk about it, and I’ve heard some Shadowhunters suffer from it, too.”

Alec turned away from Jace, facing the night sky, and mumbled, “Yeah, I’m one of those Shadowhunters.”

“I figured.”

Alec turned back around. He wore an incredulous expression. “You did?”

“Yeah.” Jace shrugged. “I know it was hard for you, being the one that Maryse and Robert groomed to be their little minion, but you...I mean, the way you hurt yourself sometimes, man, I...I knew there had to be something more going on with you.” He took a breath and continued. “At first I thought it was just because you like guys, but as I found you in a bad way more and more, I started to realise it must be so much more than that.”

Alec nodded. “Thanks for that. I don’t think Izzy’s ever considered it. Nobody has, except you. I’m Alec Lightwood. The heir to the Lightwood name. I was supposed to be the Head of the Institute someday. I kissed a warlock at my own wedding. Either people think I’m perfect or they hate me. And the ones that know me well enough to know more don’t think there’s anything wrong with me except for the obvious.”

Jace bristled a little. “I never said there was anything _wrong_ with you, Alec. Your depression is just - it’s just a part of you. It’s not wrong; just different.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, that’s the story of my life. Besides, different _is_ wrong in the Shadow World.”

“Not always,” Jace said firmly. “Not to me.”

Alec smiled a little and knocked their shoulders together. “Thanks.” He took a deep breath. “Depression is - it’s like you’re underwater. You’re underwater, and you’re watching everything else in the world exist and carry on and function without you. A-And it’s like you suddenly become aware of how little you mean to the world. How meaningless your existence is. That’s the start of it, anyway. You don’t feel like you matter. You feel - you feel worthless, Jace, like no one needs you.”

“You aren’t worthless, Alec,” Jace said gently. He reached forward to put a hand on his parabatai’s shoulder. “We need you. _I_ need you.”

Alec sent him a soft smile and said, “Thanks.” He was quiet for a few seconds before he opened his mouth and began to speak again. “After that, I just started to go numb. People think depression is sadness, misery, despair - but it’s not. Not for me, anyway. It’s just - it’s just numbness. I feel empty. Like nothing matters and I don’t matter and nothing will ever get better. On days like those, I-I forget what it feels like to be happy.”

Jace sucked in a sharp breath. He knew his parabatai was feeling bad, but this - this was _awful_.

Alec continued with barely a pause to catch his breath, as though he felt like, if he stopped now, he might never get it out. “And when you feel so much - so much _nothing_ , you’ll do anything to feel something, even if that something is pain.” He turned to meet Jace’s deep golden eyes. “Do you understand?”

Jace nodded. “Yeah, I think I do.” His voice was thick with unshed tears, and he murmured quietly, “God, Alec, how did you make it this far?”

Alec smiled. “You. You and Izzy. Every time you’d bang on my door, wanting dinner or company or help with something, it made me feel like I had a purpose. I’m a big brother. What better reason to stay alive is there than that?”

Jace smiled softly and gestured to Alec’s phone, which he had been fiddling with while he talked. It was open, revealing his home screen, which was a picture of him and Magnus in Magnus’s loft with Chairman Meow. “Maybe love?”

Alec looked down at his lap, a blush forming on his pale cheeks. “Yeah, maybe.”

A silence fell over them then, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable one; it seemed to be filled with acceptance, love, and a new sort of awareness that wasn’t there before. Jace and Alec watched as the clouds began to move over the moon, obscuring it from view. Jace’s hand drifted to his parabatai rune almost unconsciously, and Alec’s followed suit. 

By the time the pitch black clouds had creeped into the night, plummeting the roof into darkness, Alec felt more awake than he had since Jace and Clary had stumbled through the door with Clary’s blackened hand presented before them. He felt lighter with the knowledge that Jace’s burden had been lifted and, though he would never admit it, his own, too. 

“Come on,” Alec said, rising from his position against the wall and reaching his hand out to his brother. “Let’s go in.”

Jace nodded and accepted the proffered hand, pulling himself to his feet. “Yeah.”

The two walked in companionable silence back into the Institute and to their respective bedrooms. Jace’s was first. He started to walk in, but he hesitated at the doorway, shifting unsurely from foot to foot. Finally, he turned around and wrapped Alec in a tight hug.

“I love you, parabatai,” Jace breathed into Alec’s shoulder. Alec sighed raggedly and moved his hand to cup the back of Jace’s head, running his fingers through the younger boy’s hair. 

“I love you, too,” Alec whispered back.

When Jace released him several seconds later, his eyes were shining and he looked satisfied. Alec smiled and bade his brother goodnight before turning in the direction of his own room.

Just before he settled himself on his bed and went to sleep, Alec took a moment to thank the Angel for giving him the best parabatai he could’ve possibly asked for.

**Author's Note:**

> [Stalk me on Tumblr](http://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Prompts are open!
> 
> If you would like to join a fandom Discord server (Shadowhunters and other fandoms available by role) I Mod a lovely server full of enthusiasm and encouragement! [Join us here](https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD) for lots of chaos and fun! It's a really great place
> 
> With that, I'll see y'all soon! <3
> 
> ~ Em


End file.
